I’m out of practice on doing work. I have a lot of ideas and things I want to do, but I have no discipline. I find it very difficult to focus on any task. I am incredibly quick to move on to something new without having made any significant progress in what I was already doing. I don’t know how to get things done.
I feel like I am trying. It’s hard to say for sure. The thinking and making lists, the planning feel like Doing, but nothing is really getting done. How much time before preparation becomes procrastination?
I try to trick myself. I hate making people wait. I hate owing people. So convincing myself that I owe someone something at a fast-approaching deadline should work. It doesn’t. I can sometimes be moved into action when something I want to do capitalizes on a moment in time that will soon pass, but not always. I don’t know what propels me.
I don’t have the tools and I’m flailing. Trying feels better than not trying, but it still doesn’t feel like Doing. And what I want is to DO SOMETHING.
I put so much energy into creating this blog only to immediately neglect it. I slip into phases of intense focus on one thing then I burn myself out and inevitably move on. In this case I think my computer crashed and I let that be my excuse to do nothing here, despite being perfectly capable of doing everything from my phone. I find it easy to derail myself with minor inconveniences.
I want to establish some consistency. The only habit I’ve maintained is abandoning habits. I’d like to follow through on more than just setting things up and leaving them to languish. I’d like to commit to publishing here on a regular basis. I’d like to keep to a schedule and be relied upon to produce fresh content with some frequency. I’d like to do all that but I’m not sure I will.
I just hope typing this out and posting it will put it into the universe and manifest it.
Ain’t none of us got “free thought” by which I mean none of us are free of influence. We are not isolated. Being apart of this world means being influenced by it. But we all have the ability to think for ourselves if we choose to.
We have to actively learn as much as we can and form an opinion based on real data and actual facts. We have to check our privileges. We have to understand our biases. We have to unlearn untruths and distortions of truth. We have to have a grasp of the past. We have to understand Power and who wields it and the multitude of ways it is levied against us. We have to understand our own power, or lack thereof, within the social structure. We have to continue to learn, unlearn, reevaluate, and reconsider everything all the time because nothing is static; things are evolving all the time and we have to evolve our thinking with it.
I know my thoughts are not free from influence but I actively work to recognize all the ways I can be influenced and to combat that with knowledge.
And, what I lack in knowledge, I make up for in shutting the fuck up.
Greetings and welcome to my blog. I am Nicole, a genuine mess. This is my “public journal.” It’s been here for a while, but the old shit is gone and I’m starting over. It’s got a new Look + Vibe. Gone are the days where posts languished in drafts while ya girl obsessed over timing or tone or mood or… whatever. That tentative shit is over. We’re leaving
over-editing and overthinking in the past. We are not dithering, we post or we purge. And being emo is canceled. We’re keeping that depression shit in 2017 — actually, we’re just keeping those posts private.
What you can expect going forward is a (hopefully) constant stream of commentary, critique, and musings.
My interests vary and so do my moods. This blog will reflect that. There is no “theme” or “focus” here, only what I want to talk about at any given time. I pay for my own hosting and domain, thus I am solely responsible for all for all content on this site. My words are my own. I represent myself. Please be aware of this fact if you run across something here that you feel a way about. Understand that everything I say is coming from a personal place and is not meant to be universal. Everything will not be for you, but if you enjoy or relate to my content, my comments are open and I invite you to engage.
If you like something I write, tell me! If you dislike something, keep it to yourself. Being nice + minding your business costs nothing. 🙂
Whether you’ve rocked with me for some time or run across me randomly, I thank you for reading and hope you enjoy!
++If you’ve followed me on Tumblr or on an earlier iteration of this blog, you may come across content you’ve seen before. Just let it be what it is, I don’t waste past work.