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Just another emo ass post about hating myself, nothing to see here.

I miss writing and reading and doing things that take focus. I miss being able to just stop doing mind-numbing, time-wasting shit and start doing the things I really want to do. I miss having — if not healthy, at least — productive hobbies. I used to zone out and read four books in a week. Or build several websites from scratch;  learning new code and new web standards along the way. I used to brainstorm story ideas; build character profiles, outline plot points, research mythology. I would just lose myself in whatever interested me and channel all my emotional energy — mostly negative — into something creative and non-destructive.

Let’s be very clear, none of that is healthy or normal. But coping mechanisms that don’t hurt are better than nothing. And now, I just think about the things I want to do but have neither the will or the energy to do them. Then I hate myself for being distracted or being lazy and it just feeds into the depression that deprives me of the will or the energy. One begets the other . An Ouroboros of self-loathing. An infinite cycle.

All most people want is to be happy. All I want is to be able to distract myself from being unhappy. And I can’t even muster the strength to do that. Fuck.

Take A Fucking Nap, Babes.

Do y’all ever get tired of policing everything people fucking say and do? Can’t people just feel how they feel? Must every opinion lead to political discourse? Fuck! I’m exhausted. Every time anybody says any goddamn thing, there are seventeen fucking dissertations on why it is Problematic™. We are all fucking problematic. We all form our own opinions based on our lived experiences and we behave according to our individual understanding of the world. We ain’t all educated, enlightened, or “woke.” Shit, learning is an ongoing process and we ain’t all at the same stage.

They’re “cancelled” cause they said something you disagree with. Continue reading “Take A Fucking Nap, Babes.”

On My Friendships, Specifically

I have had a lot of unequal relationships. So-called friends have disregarded me, lied to me, stolen from me, and used me. I was not appreciated or supported. I did not get the same kind of love and energy that I gave. Even friends who meant well would sometimes hurt me. Yet, I would remain their friend. I was a good — no — I am a great friend! But I am not a perfect person, and I’ve failed as a friend, too.

I failed to communicate. I didn’t divulge and I didn’t listen. I didn’t acknowledge how I may have made people feel. Especially in situations where I’ve felt mistreated myself. I lashed out in response to feelings I never expressed. In some ways, I punished people for not recognizing that they hurt me. I expected people to know what they were doing wrong and change their behavior. I didn’t like hearing I was wrong, when they were wrong, too. I didn’t want to take the blame for things we were both guilty of.

Feeling hurt was not the mistake. Acting like I didn’t feel that way was. Avoiding confrontation and harboring animosity was. Feeling like I was the only one allowed to feel a certain way was. I didn’t see that I could still hurt a person who had hurt me. I not only failed to communicate, I failed to recognize they might also not be communicating with me.

Falling out with friends has taught me a lot. Reconciling has taught me even more.

I’ve had to acknowledge where I was wrong. I’ve had to take responsibility for my role in how things played out. I’ve had to be receptive to criticism; I’ve had to have my shortcomings exposed. I’ve had to take accountability for any suffering I’ve caused. I’ve had to confront people. I’ve had to be vulnerable. I’ve had to be honest and demand honesty in return.

I’ve learned to take the hits when they come. It is inevitable that I will do something that someone will misconstrue. Despite my intentions, I will fuck up and hurt someone. But I won’t fight them. I will accept my shit and try to work on not repeating my mistakes. I will continue to scrutinize my actions and end any hurtful behavior.

On Relationships and Being Wrong(ed)

You may have a strained relationship with someone, due in part to having wronged them in some way. You may have reconciled with them, but things are not the same. You may want things to be as they were. But sometimes, people need space to evaluate situations. You have to give them time to process their feelings.

First. Understand that feelings do not have a cut-off date. They do not expire. You cannot expect people to “get over it” or “move on” because, people have long memories. We remember being hurt, by whom, and how it made us feel. We may choose to forgive, but we don’t forget. We may try to put those feelings aside, but we cannot always suppress or overcome them.

Sometimes we can’t stop remembering that we have been wronged and how that felt.

We may distance ourselves from the people who’ve wronged us. Not because we hold a grudge, but because, we do not want to risk feeling that way again. It’s important to acknowledge that you hurt someone without invalidating their feelings. No “I didn’t intend to” or “I already apologized.” Apologies are only words, with no power to actually change anything. Only time can do that. Only acknowledging and improving your faults can do that. Only a change in wrong behavior can do that.

As long as I remember that you’re capable of hurting me, I will always hesitate to trust you.

Regardless of who you are or were to someone. Regardless of your history or closeness. Regardless of whether they also hurt you.  You are not entitled to their attention, forgiveness, or time. Recognize those things as privileges, things to be consistently earned. Then choose to behave in a way that shows you deserve them.

Cog·ni·zant

I spent way too much time “trying to figure out what I want to write” and this blog isn’t shit for it. Every idea I had is still stuck in my drafts or trashed. Nothing I wanted to say felt like an original thought. Is there anything new to express, though? Probably not. So why is my take on the same old feelings any less valid than anyone else’s? It’s not, I suppose.

Truth is, I wanted to be important. I wanted my words to resonate in some way. But who am I? I am just another noise feeding into a cacophony of expression and emotion, and often times ill-informed opinion. I’m just another fucking person who wants to be heard; who thinks they have something new to add. I have nothing new to add. I only have something me.

I feel like I’m tired of being quiet, as though someone else forced me into silence. I’m my own oppressor. I’ll have to be my own liberator. I have to stop over-analyzing my words. I have to stop looking for ways to make myself more palatable. Who the fuck cares? Who am I trying to impress?

Feel.A.Way

I just don’t underfuckingstand why people are so adamant that their anger is righteous and that it deserves to be met with acceptance. We ain’t all mad about the same shit. Ain’t no right or wrong when it comes to personal fucking feelings. You may be correct in your assessments of a situation, and that may validate your anger, but it does not fucking mean that anger is the only appropriate response.

Your emotional reactions aren’t the baseline for what is to be expected and what is correct. You can feel a way, and I can feel something opposite, but both feelings would still be valid. Never assume that your feelings are universal and that anyone who has a different emotional reaction is wrong.

Labels & Self-Identification

I try to learn and remember the plethora of labels people have created and co-opted for themselves; in both gender identity and sexual orientation. But I admittedly do not have the patience. I’ve seen so many variations of terms that ultimately mean the same thing; with levels of specificity that completely convolute the point of labeling oneself in the first place.

How effective is a label if it does not easily convey what it is identifying?

Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, and asexual (as it pertains to human sexuality) are labels that work because, of their simplicity. They lack specificity, but they convey the idea well enough for most people to understand. Once you add modifiers to those terms, you complicate them.

Labels are just simple terms we use to categorize ourselves and one another into easy to understand groups. But people rarely fall into a single group. So creating or expanding terms to try to encompass all your many variations — all the groups and subgroups you belong to — is just unnecessarily complicated. It does not make it easier to understand you.

I consider myself an extremely open-minded person and even I get overwhelmed by the vast amount of terminology that exists. People self-identify using new or adapted vocabulary, but the language is inconsistent. There is no general consensus that makes understanding these identities easier.

I am supportive of any individual who identifies as something other. I have always embraced the complexities of gender and sexuality. I self-identify as bi or pan because, those are simple enough labels for most people to understand. But I don’t believe my sexuality, or anyone else’s, can ever be summed up in a single word or phrase. I am who I am, I like what I like. I will label myself for the sake of clarity, but I in no way expect a label to ever accurately and fully encompass who I am.

We need to simplify the labels we use because, labels aren’t meant to fully encompass who we are.

I hate labels.

Labels are too limiting. Instead of coming up with new terms to identify specific variations of something, like sexual preference, or gender, or “race” we should just stop putting so much emphasis on categorization. We all fall into an unlimited number of boxes and many of those overlap. Putting labels on our differences creates conflict where none need to be. I am not asking us not to see color, or gender identity, or any of the visual markers we use to classify or categorize people. I am asking not to be made to define myself with a bullet list of terms, and to learn a bullet list of terms for other people.