I don’t really celebrate the new year. I don’t really celebrate the annual anniversary of my being. Time passes whether or not we acknowledge it. Every day is just… a day. If you’ve come here expecting some reflections on how grateful I am to have made it to 2024, you should skip to the good part. I don’t want to be here. And while this isn’t that kind of post, I want to acknowledge that every day I wake up is yet another day I have to endure. And the marking of years passing is a reminder of that, be it my birthday or the new year.
I don’t always mind being reminded that I’ve endured this long. I can appreciate the triumph in it, even if I resent it sometimes. It’s been 25 years of constant disinterest in a future where I exist. And only a few years of investment in that future, which is coming whether I want it to or not. So, no… I don’t want this, but this is the reality so I will try to not hate it.
The Good Part
Since I am apparently stuck here—and I am perfectly okay jinxing this—I am committing to making my existence the least awful it can be, and perhaps more importantly, making existence better for the people who do want to be here. So…
I resolve to care for my body and my health.
- I will be more consistent with hygiene and grooming. I will spend the time, energy, and effort to look good, smell good, and feel cute AF—even if I am not going anywhere or doing anything.
- I will be more consistent with my medical care. I’ll make regular appointments with my GP and follow treatments, dietary restrictions, and tracking. And I’ll go to the fucking dentist!
- I will move more. I will find ways to be more physically active—even if I am not going anywhere or doing anything. I’ll find or create physical routines to do at home, in my room, or in the backyard. Or I’ll just take the Wii out of storage.
I resolve to consistently create.
- I will write, draw, paint, build and tinker, design, experiment… I will create regardless of whether there is an audience for it. I will create for me; as an outlet, for fun, to build routine, to learn the skill or to exercise it.
- I will create with intention. I will set goals, create outlines, and find or create systems for accountability, and rewards.
- I will deliver. I will see things to completion. I will be more consistent with publishing and sharing.
I resolve to learn.
- I will read more. I will read scholars and poets and activists. I’ll read non-fiction. (I’ll read manga and speculative, too!)
- I will expand my vocabulary, my comprehension, and my capacity to participate in meaningful conversations.
- I will hone my talents. I will improve my existing skills, build new ones, and find better ways to apply them.
I resolve to be meaner.
(You read that right!)
- I will not spare feelings at the expense of my own.
- I will not be “nice” or “polite” (feign civility) to “keep the peace.”
- I will not internalize or absorb anger that is meant for someone else.
- I will not offer aid when it is not asked for. And will rescind when it’s not appreciated.
- I will be as kind to myself as I am with others. I will reciprocate ALL energy—bad or good.
I resolve to strengthen my community.
- I will show up for my friends, collaborators, clients, and peers.
- I will communicate better, be more consistent, and be more reliable.
- I will be more politically engaged and more active in my causes and communities.
- I will build new relationships, strengthen existing ones, and heal rifts—or make room to.
- I will make more meaningful connections. I will be intentional with the people and organizations I involve myself with.
I resolve to be a better daughter.
- I will make life easier for my family. I will take on more caretaking and financial responsibility.
- I will do things for my family because they want it and I’m able—even if I don’t want to. I won’t refuse as much.
- I will open my door more. I will not sequester myself away. I’ll be a more engaged and active social participant.
- I will try to make my desire to be Not Here less apparent. It scares the hoes.
I resolve to make money.
I will get a job.
- I will find a rich partner. 🙏🏾
- I will pour into my business.
- I will earn enough to be comfy.
- 🗣️ I WILL find a rich benefactor.
I resolve to have fun.
- I will do shit just cause I want to.
- I will be outside as hell… sometimes.
- I will do more things alone…
- I will do more things with people.
This is by no means exhaustive. I want 2024 to be a better year than the last, and to pave the way for better years to come. If I happen to die within that time frame, that is also fine. It’s been real lol.
Some Other Thoughts
It didn’t even occur to me that a new year was upon us. These past few weeks I’ve been observing and reflecting and considering all the things that make up my day to day existence. I’ve been working towards actualizing thoughts, honing ideas, and letting go of disappointments and failures and things that don’t spark joy. I am acknowledging my capabilities, limitations, and my lack; lack of capacity, lack of motivation, lack of resources. I am choosing though to embrace reality, and work within its confines. This new year just happens to align with my own era of change. All these thoughts just happened to converge today. So today, the first of the year, I am making resolutions.